When hard meets harder: What do you need?
I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer so far. Summer is a glorious time of year when the sun shines, flowers are blooming, we feel like there is more time to enjoy ourselves and we’re all happy. Right? Yet, this summer feels different, and not in a good way.
The hard seems to be all around us, everywhere we look, and impacting everyone around us. I’m noticing hard conversations have gotten harder. People’s emotions are heightened, we’re triggered more easily, and we often respond emotions-first.
This also means when you have what would normally be a hard week, it seems impossible. I just spent an incredibly meaningful week with my husband’s family. We gathered to spend quality time with my mother-in-law as she entered hospice and passed away. It was hard, it was powerful, it was full of love, and in the end, it was a relief that she is free from the struggles as her body failed her.
As leaders, how do we take care of ourselves and our teams as hard meets harder, and harder feels impossible? All while navigating in a space where many people aren’t able to show up as their best selves?
At Leadership Eastside we talk a lot about raising and lowering the heat in service to deepening conversations around the need for change and rebuilding more equitable systems. Any time we talk about change, we need to address the pain of loss that is different for every person in the conversation. How do we both hold to our values of listening to every voice and valuing multiple perspectives, while also setting expectations of curiosity over blaming and sitting back to understand what is triggering you in order to participate in an engaging, rather than critical approach?
As much as I actively teach this and coach others, I still find myself with the need to practice this work. The more important the topic is to me, the harder it is.
At our board meeting last week, we had a great discussion about what we need, as well as how we might support each other when conversations get hard and the heat goes up. Here are some of the ideas:
Keep everyone’s focus on the goal– when making strategic decisions, stay away from the small details and help everyone stay focused on the big picture.
Make sure there is clarity on the goal of the conversation. Is this a discussion to understand perspectives, make a decision, or explore potential ideas. Each discussion is different and clarity around the purpose helps keep focus and moves the conversation toward the goal.
Speak from personal perspective and try to avoid people pleasing.
When you feel triggered, physically sit back or get up to the balcony to examine your own feelings and think about what might be creating the emotions connected to the conversation. What questions might help you understand others and address the concerns that might trigger emotion – positive or negative.
Get curious when you hear something that doesn’t align with your perspective. Ask questions that help you understand and remember that every perspective is valid, and every perspective is partial.
Think about working agreements that help you check in with one another in the moments when it’s clear that some are choosing silence or their nonverbal cues indicate not being seen or heard.
There are many ways to support each other through tough conversations. I do think we need extra doses of patience, compassion and curiosity.
What helps you? Send me an email with your suggestions.
Take care of yourself and your community and look for ways that you can support each other during these critical and challenging conversations.
