Thrival: Because adulting is hard
Recently, it feels like all the hard is converging at the same time. I invite you to sit with me in the discomfort for a brief moment and I promise to pivot to “so what do I do now” quickly.
My story is similar to so many of you, just a different flavor. My siblings and I moved my mom into assisted living and are getting her house ready to sell after 45 years, which includes a lot of physical labor on top of emotional labor. Mom is on an emotional journey of her own. A dear friend endured three breast cancer operations to get to clear margins and is facing a full month of radiation. Friends are posting on social media about their exhaustion, their loss of hope, and their need to step back from the public eye to care for themselves.
I am solidly in the “I don’t want to adult anymore” camp some mornings. The thought of exercising even the most basic of leadership skills feels overwhelming.
We really want to hold onto the belief that life should be wonderful, and the “American Dream” is possible. No one wants to remember that a truly rich life has as many challenges; and the power of a meaningful life is people, not things – being in relationship with family (chosen or biological), friends, and community.
In our Leadership Eastside programs, we talk a lot about thriving and thrival. I think many hear this and infer that we mean that if you do some basic self-care, you will be happy and successful. Maybe that’s true for some, but thrival is so much more than that. During these really hard times, one thrival tactic that is most helpful to me is to step back, get a balcony perspective, and get clear about priorities, values and what I need to do to ensure I have capacity later to take the next step forward.
That might mean choosing to work from home so I can have all my windows open, see the sunshine and feel the cool breeze. Or, it could mean reminding myself of why I do the work that I do and ground myself in the reminder that I chose this work knowing it would be hard and probably challenge me more than any other job I’ve ever had. And, here is the critical piece – I hold a deep belief in the power of what we are trying to do. I know if we do our work well, we can change our community for the better.
With that reminder, I turn my attention away from everyone else and back to me. What do I need right now to get myself into a place where I can do just one thing to address that long list of to-do items that needs to be done, so I can rebuild the hope that keeps me energized and moving forward?
Often organizing and prioritizing the list, getting it out of my head and onto paper is very helpful for me. Then I pick the easiest thing, or the thing I can do right now that I know will help me feel like I’m moving forward. I give myself lots of pats on the back and moments to take a break. Little by little, the exhaustion, the panic, the overwhelm start to fade. I become more productive and my hope for what is possible begins to return. It’s a process and it’s taken me a while to remember the process when I am most at the end of my rope.
Other times, I lean into my network of allies. Talking through complex challenges to get new and differing opinions can be enough to entirely change how I feel about a situation and make clearer my next steps. And, sometimes I just need a friend or confidante to remind me that our work is important but tough, and this current crisis is just a moment in time.
How are you doing? Not overall, just right now, as you are reading this? What one thing do you need to give yourself the grace to support yourself so that you can move to the next thing? The work of thrival is not easy. Sometimes it takes deep soul searching and holding on by the smallest of threads. Stay grounded in your why, ask for help and remember the power of saying no. Yes, “no” is an acceptable answer. Try it. Say it with me: No. Or, if that is too much of a stretch, try “not right now” or “let me check my capacity and get back to you.”
Hang in there and let me know if there is a way that Leadership Eastside can support you!
From the desk of Jeni Craswell
